The Indian Pyaar Kahani

     Boy meets girl and falls in love. Girl hesitates but eventually falls in love. Boy proposes to get married. Girl says yes and they live happily forever more... Wait! This is an Indian love story. Can't do without a few speed bumps... Girl says yes but her parents disallow. So boy and girl separated forever! Another incomplete story to add to the collection of epic Indian love stories.

     Such was the tale of one of my friends too(actually several of my friends lately), who chivalrously gave up his true love because he didn't want his lover to choose between her parents and him. He said, "When the choice is between your parents and your lover, it's an obvious choice isn't it?"

"Your parents!" he said.

"Your lover!" I said simultaneously!

     Apparently not an obvious choice. After a brief awkward silence, as the rules of any combat proclaim, both sides have to present their sides. 

     "Parents provide for us, they love us our whole lives and we have to be responsible children and listen to their wishes.", fortunately this is not what he said, though I am quite sure these reasons weren't mentioned because it was supposed to be understood.

      Instead, he argued his family was accepting enough to have her as their bride, but if a situation had arisen that he had to choose between his family and his love, he would be torn. This he didn't want his lover to go through! Hence, the sacrifice...

     Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I still went ahead with presenting my argument because a debate is a debate! You do not let emotions sway you.

     When it comes to planning or even just daydreaming about our lives, we tend to stick with our pasts. It is the familiar, regardless of the pain and the hardships we might have been through, it is something that is comfortable to us because we already know that journey. Unlike the future, which is wholly unknown. This is why it is sometimes so hard for us to let go of our past pains and attachments and move on. Therefore, we tend to make current decisions based on what we already know - the past.

Picture taken from web

     It is to this past that I shall attach the parents to, since they are the familiar, the known. It conveniently slips our minds that the meaning of parents would drastically change in the future for most of us - parenthood! We are to become mothers and fathers ourselves and make decisions for our children. Who better to go on that journey than with someone you love and adore, someone who understands you and someone who is an equal partner in your life (considering that you have been lucky enough to find such a lover ofcourse!)

     It is this that I went on to explain to my friend. When we let go and sacrifice our lover for the sake of a disagreement at home, we are letting go of our entire future, our children. Besides, they are your parents, they love unconditionally right? They'll accept it eventually if you tell them you did it for your children! So truly, the choice isn't between your parents and your lover, but more about sticking to your comfort zone and taking a leap into the future. I think I saw tears in his eyes.

     We couldn't decide who won the debate really, we both gave commendable performances. As they say, we agreed to disagree.

I don't just write about love and relationships :)

•  When The Earth Shook And Tore Our Souls Apart
• Just Trust The Kids!

36 Questions to love... Love?

     Love has been on my mind a lot lately and who better to answer my questions than the internet? It was then that I came across a wonderfully intriguing TED talk by Mandy Len Catron titled "Falling in love is the easy part". Love and Easy in the same sentence? Now this I had to check out!

     Turns out that the speaker Mandy, just like me, wanted to experiment with the ever mysterious phenomenon of falling in love, and realised that the only way to 'figure it out' was to fall in love! So here we were, two single but adventurous women, ready to fall in love. Oh but only if we knew how! Apparently she had figured out a way(borrowed from a psychology experiment) and I too set out to find the ideal guy to try it out with... and I did find him.

    There are a set of 36 questions that you ask each other (where the partner and you are fairly strangers to each other) and most importantly, openly share and actively listen to each other. The original scientist shared that a couple from the original sample group ended up marrying each other, apart from several successful relationships that commenced and Mandy herself had found a long term relationship that she was still in. Now I was getting really excited!

     Fortunately for me, I found the most understanding and mature guy, who was also adventurous and a good listener. Just the guinea pig I needed(Don't worry he knows I'm writing about him). The questions began with the cliche "Who would you invite as a dinner guest, if you could invite anybody?". I obviously has The Buddha over for Biryani and he had his late grandpa over for Butter chicken. The questions deepened gradually towards our most treasured memories and death of loved ones. You get the flow...

     As we answered and listened to each other, it was almost as if all our hesitations and our fears were put aside and we truly wanted to share each other's stories. It was then that I realised I couldn't remember the last time I had done something like this, the last time I had truly shared my life with someone and more importantly listened to someone. This wasn't love, but what we were feeling was the most essential element of human existence that makes life beautiful; Connection.

     We were connecting primarily as human beings sans all the external identities that our societies have given us, in an open and free environment that these 36 questions to love, helped create. How fascinating! I could notice that we were smiling more at each other and were much more at ease in each other's company. Was Cupid flying somewhere close by?

     But a question more interesting that this raises, is whether love can be created? What happens to all our fairytales and fables of that one true love and love at first sight? I think we humans were never made to love just one person. Our hearts are genuinely capable of a love larger than our stories make us believe. We shall only know if we let our hearts love...

     Another interesting aspect of the 36 questions we noticed was a cleverly repeated question where we had to share positive points about our partner and tell them what we liked about them. Though the degrees or intensities varied, the premise was the same - see the good in the person in front of you and appreciate them. You know what I'm going to say next; oh how often do we do this with people around us? (Good! you're catching on)

     We took a few days to finish all the 36 questions, but as promised the 37th question was not "Will you marry me?" for us, so no wedding bells or circles around the fire as of yet. And love? That is a question that we decided to stay on longer with each other to answer(yeay!). So keep checking my blog for updates on whether love happens or no. But this exercise certainly opened a door to a deeper and more meaningful relationship(or a friendship) for us. If you decide to try these 36 questions to love, please do let me know how they turn out, for now I have a romantic movie date with my guinea pig!


Do also check out my other posts and tell me what you think :

• A Friend No More!
• The Big Elephant In My Room - My Parents' Seperation

Our Lovers Left Us

   

     I know it hurts a lot. I know you loved her and she said she would love you forever and till eternity. But its all up in flames today and the only thing that is burning are your insides. You want to leave your bare body and run away into a place of numbness and try to make all that pain go away. But every day as you watch the sun set into its warm abode leaving you alone with the cold wind, you know it will take you a long time to heal or perhaps never...

     But listen to me, look at me! Many men of heart and soul have come into my life promising to hold me while I cried, yet the moment they saw my laughter fade, they faded away too. Just yesterday, the man who said I made him happy, left me forever here looking for answers to what went wrong? Did I not love him enough? Did I not hold him tight enough? Yet I stand strong, with a broken heart, hoping... No! Knowing for certain that it will heal and join into a whole again. I know this because my strong heart still carries the beautiful scars from my past.

     Do you want to know a secret oh my broken hearted mess? The only way a heart broken by love can heal, is by teaching it to love beyond its cracks and frays. Have you seen a child learning to ride the bike? She falls again and again and again, until one day she finally learns to ride the bike and journey to all the places her heart had ever wanted. She never stops getting on the bike and trying again. You and I shall also fall again and again and again, until our wings finally learn to fly and we fall into the arms of love all over again. This time for real!

     Not that our old lovers weren't real. They were! We laughed with them, we cried with them, we had fun with them and most of all we grew because of them. We wrote beautiful stories with them didn't we? So no regrets!

     Don't let the ugliness and vile bitterness of a broken promise take over your soul. I know you feel angry, you feel disappointment, depression and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I've heard a million defeated lovers tell me love is not worth it, love is only pain and love only murders! Listen to me, it isn't love that hurts, but we ourselves. Every day, every memory, every stab we relive again and again until love seems like the biggest evil that has ever existed. NO! Don't let it poison you. Our lovers lefts us, they were meant to. Don't deny yourself the beauty of healing and growing into a more mature lover, just because our lovers gave up on us. Let us not give up on ourselves! Let us still be open and look for that love that our souls and our bodies deserve! Let us continue to hold on my forlorn friend... Let us continue to hold love.

     I may have filled your heart with hope, that is what I intended to do. But I should also warn you that this hope will also slowly fade as your memories return. It is inevitable! Our minds are addicted to the roller coaster ride of emotions, but remember it is just a ride. You will get off it soon, so keep returning to love until one day you build your home with our love.


Don't forget to also read and share your views on

• Big Cute Puppy Eyes
• Destination Dharamsaala!

Back from the Hiatus

Attended the Dak Thok Tsechu Festival in Ladakh

     A little more than a week into the new year and I figured it would be the best time to come back from my almost six month hiatus from writing. The obsession with 'new year new beginnings' managed to catch me too I suppose.
     Writing has always been a passion of mine and who stays away from a passion for this long you ask? Well procrastination and laziness could be it, but fortunately this time I have a better excuse!
     My last trip to Bhutan and Kachch with my ex-boyfriend I noticed how much time we both spent on clicking pictures! The right angle, the right lighting, the right pose and the right everything for that one perfect picture. So much time spent manipulating things around me instead of looking at the beauty that the Paro Taktsang or the great white sand desert was! The meditative moments disrupted by aims to capture these meditative moments! Incroyable!

     There were times in history when people could memorise and recite epics, that lasted over weeks of recitation, all from memory, and here I am not able to remember the lyrics to one Adele song right. I remember reading an article (if its written down by someone it has to be true) that when man started writing down things, her memory capacity began to diminish. Which meant the more she encapsulated her memories and experiences in words, the more it escaped from her mind! This got me thinking...

Not a Foodie, but trying out the famous Lucknow Biryani

     What ever I did in the last six months, I told myself I wouldn't write about it extensively(other than a few simple notes and pictures). So what all did I do in the last six months? I broke up with a great guy, quit my 'job', stayed on my couch watching TV for a month until one day I stood up, packed my bags and began moving. I volunteered in Nepal, had amazing Biryani in Lucknow, fell in love with a commitment-phobic guy in Ladakh, saw for the first time how alcohol turns me into a dancer, almost saw Pakistan from Turtuk(well it was almost 13 kms away), ran away from family in Sikkim, tinder dated pretty decent guys in Hyderabad, fell in love a few more times, read so many amazing books, made meditation a part of my life, camped next to a dam in a random monastic village... Well I lived my life!

The family I stayed with in A village in Nepal

     The entire time, though I was tempted to write down a few inspired lines, I resisted. I wanted to live each moment for what it was ; the Present! I didn't want to think of it as a memory I would look back on or a tale I would narrate on a date. I just wanted to be... And well what do you know, I fell in love. I fell in love with the moment, I fell in love with love, I fell in love with the world and most of all I fell in love with myself (I also fell in love with the ladakhi guy, but he just couldn't commit). Without distractions of having to make that moment perfect, my mind and soul began to really experience the emotions and movements for what they were. I could feel them transforming me, I could feel them setting me free.
     I realise that the word "free" is such a big word to use, but I'm using it. I began defining the word freedom and love in a way I hadn't before, because the burden of someday looking back was lifted and I could truly live.
     Ofcourse it meant I don't have too many pictures to boast with or candid blog posts to share, but you know what I'll live.



Now that you have time, do also read :

• The big elephant in the room - My Parent's Seperation
• My Mom Is Beautiful...

The English Snob That I Was

Note : This was a story I shared with my fellowship team, when asked how the fellowship that I am a part of has changed me. There have been several ways of how this brilliant experience has brought out the best and the worst in me. I will hopefully share more on this fellowship and the learnings I've drawn from it on the blog, for now read on...

                

                 My name is Spoorthi. My father is from Karnataka and my mother is from Sikkim, and I… Well I am from everywhere! I can speak Kannada, Nepali, French because I put my heart and soul into learning it and of course I know English. Thinking back on my past, I realize that all my friends have been English speakers, all my thoughts have been penned down in English, and most of what I know has been read in English.

                One year into the fellowship and all the friends I had made were English speakers. I hadn’t ever realized it, but I looked down upon those who didn’t know proper English. “I didn’t done it” someone says, and I know he can never be my friend. “Kyaa aap hindi mein baat karsakte ho, angrezi samajh nahin aa raha hain” another says and I know no conversations there. “Aap kaise ho?” someone asks, I say “acha” in my broken hindi and walk away. This was who I was and I was happy with it.

                My whole life, my parents, my schools, the society I belonged to and the media that fed me, have all told me ‘English’! We had a rule in my school, if anyone speaks in any language other than English, then we had to pay a fine. Did I realize how much of my character was being shaped by this? Our whole lives we are conditioned to be a certain way, fed ideas that are said to be right, influenced towards certain ideologies. Everyday of our lives we lose a part of ourselves and become what we are forced to become, completely blind to it. In the fellowship I questioned it, and recovered a part of myself!

                I remember the day that my journey with this fellowship started. I was given a room next to two boys during our induction process, who happened to be deep and loud in discussion in HINDI! I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t understand most of it, but I understood I was disappointed. I remember phoning my mother back home and telling her very convincingly that I didn’t think this fellowship was for me. Today I work and live with one of those guys in my fellowship home and the other one of those guys is my best friend. 

                It might have taken me a year to realize it, but a lot of courage to break my notions and to break my conditioning. The dislike, the disappointment, the hatred even, it was all not mine. It was given to me, and I accepted it without questioning it. When I look around today I see the magnitude of souls we are slowly erasing by giving them all the anger, hatred, violence, judgements and what not.

                During my field support visits to school, I meet on an average 150 primary kids that I teach, I play with and best of all, I talk to. I can feel their honesty, their purity and their free minds in my heart. I envy them but at the same time I fear for them. It is only a while until these free souls are also bound by our society’s chains. Perhaps I can save them, perhaps I can save our society from more Spoorthis who dislike non-English speakers.

                My dream is to see our children growing in an environment where they can be everything they wish to be and everything that they are, without being conditioned to be a certain way, fed ideas that are said to be right, influenced towards certain ideologies. A school where self-exploration, self-governance, self-expression, equality and freedom are the core values. I want to question things, I want to question our conditioning, I want to question everything!

                

Don't forget to also check out :

• How To Love...
• Just Five Clothes!

The Big Elephant in My Room - My parents' seperation

     It's been a long time since I've written(I certainly regret my lethargy) and now that I've decided to finally get back on track, what better way to start than to talk about the one thing in my life that I rarely talk about with people.
     A few of you might know that my parents are separated and it's been just my mother, my dog(now no more alive) and I the whole time. I sometimes tell people the truth when asked, according to whether they can handle it or not, rest of the times I just say he works overseas. A lot of you might be appalled as to why I lie, but it is not for me but for the well-being of the listener. Contrary to the beliefs held by many educated citizens of our great nation, divorce and single-parenthood are still a taboo and a big No-No.
    Hence I am going to do the best thing possible with this taboo today - talk about it! I will try my best to answer all kinds of questions that enter into your head when you think of DIVORCE and especially the CHILD of the pitiful marriage.
    My parents separated nearly a decade ago. I am in my early twenties now, which means I was already quite old enough to understand pretty much everything that was happening in my life. Did it affect me and damage me for the rest of my life? Well... I'm sure it affected me, but don't we all live through struggles in life that affect us, bad breakups, failing at exams, broken bones from an accident or a death of a loved one. They are all a part and parcel of life, and the best thing we can do is survive them. I survived it and I'm doing fine today, so I guess damaged for the rest of my life is not true eh?
    To be honest, the way I saw my parents' marriage, it wasn't happy for them after a while. They began with love, but love fades sometimes like everything in life (Buddha said nothing in this universe is permanent). They should have parted before the ugly side of fading love began to show. For all those open mouths and rolling eyes, I know this might sound crrrrrrrrrrazy, but that is what I believe. Nothing really is permanent, and the sooner we accept this truth, the closer we are to finding the one thing we all truly crave for, Peace.
    One of the biggest reasons marriages are stopped from seeing its end are the KIDS! What will happen to them? We should stay for their happiness? We should do this for them! Well... I am a kid of such a marriage, and for all those going through this phase in life, honestly this is the worst thing for the kids in the marriage. A forced marriage entails a lot of cold shoulders, hatred, fights, and most of the times domestic violence at home. We don't need this. The foremost thing for a child is to be brought up in a healthy , non-violent environment and if that means sitting down with your partner to decide the terms of separation then do it! If it means going to couples counselling than try that too! But don't just stay idle, waiting for things to change.
    A common question that curious little minds have asked me is my opinion on marriage and whether I see a husband for myself, despite my parents' broken ties. I suppose they expect I'd carry the hate from the previous generation, but it's not for me to carry is it? I have been given the power to make the choices of my life and it is upto me to make it the way I want it to be. On that note, will I marry? No :) But it's not because I don't believe in love, but it is because I don't think I need a big wedding ceremony or an announcement to the world or any other drama of that sort for me to share my life with someone. I strongly believe in the power of love and am infact in love with someone very special in my life, who also doesn't think he needs a certificate to prove his love for me.
    I realise I've said a lot of things that might result in a lot of hate in the comments section, but you know what it's fine. I've lived through every word I've written here and more, I've lived it and I wouldn't change a single thing from my life if I had the chance. It made me who I am today, it made me value love, it made me value myself, what else can I ask for.
    My parent's are separated, but by their choice. The only hope for humanity is to work for a society where freedom and love are the most important epithets and not force and hate. I am proud of my mother for taking this decision and setting herself free and wish a lot of women and men get the courage to take that step to set themselves free and find love for themselves.

P.S: Thanks a lot for listening to what I had to say :) Listening to each other helps a lot trust me. Sharing another article that is very close to what I am talking about.

Also, don't forget to also read :

• How to love...
• Equal and Free

HOW TO LOVE...

WARNING : There may be an excessive use of the word "Love" in this post. I suggest people uncomfortable with this word, don't fret, take a deep breath and then commence reading. You never know, you might actually fall in love with love.

     Love is a word we all use isn't it. Even when we talk of hate, we are actually talking of love. My life's journey has now led me to a stage where I want to feel love and compassion for all... Yes you read it right, for ALL!
     Love has always been a word that has come out of my lips, my entire life. Saying "I love you" to someone has been hard as well as easy for me. But, it is perhaps only now that I understand the real depth and significance of this word.
     Now how on earth am I going to love all, when there is so much to hate and detest in this world. When I thought real deep about love and compassion for ALL, I realised how herculean a task this is! If you are wondering, No I haven't managed to give unconditional love and compassion for the entire humanity, but good news I have figured out the first step.
     This first step is not giving up all your belongings to the poor of the world, it is not adopting all orphans into your home, it isn't even falling head over heels in love with someone. The first step towards Love is Not To Hate. It isn't even an action that requires effort, in fact it is the lack of all the pain and stress required to hate someone or something.
     Isn't the act of hating a big burden? Having to carry that lump of evil thoughts, curses, complains and what not, always around on your shoulders. What if you just let go of it all? You wouldn't have to love or forgive or even tolerate, you just stop hating. Doesn't it sound very relieving?
     Once that hate is let go of, our hearts and minds are lighter and cleansed, it is certainly easier to fill it with good thoughts and eventually with lots of love and compassion. If you are wondering if I really did try it, Yes I did. If you are wondering if it worked, guess what? Yes it worked!

The symbol of infinite Love and Wisdom, tattooed on my shoulder.

     I started with trying not to hate the nagging my mom does, trying not to hate the unbelievably gender biased movies that pass of as good films in the cinemas, trying not to hate the horribly rude auto drivers that try to loot you, trying not to hate some people that were really easy to hate, so on and so forth.
     As I reached this eureka moment in my journey of love and compassion, I also decided to mark my life with this new beginning. I got the infinity symbol of love and wisdom inked on my shoulder, to keep reminding me and to keep spreading the message of this simple word called Love.



Don't Forget to also check out my other posts :

• Just Five Clothes...
• He said he had three Girlfriends