The Indian Pyaar Kahani

     Boy meets girl and falls in love. Girl hesitates but eventually falls in love. Boy proposes to get married. Girl says yes and they live happily forever more... Wait! This is an Indian love story. Can't do without a few speed bumps... Girl says yes but her parents disallow. So boy and girl separated forever! Another incomplete story to add to the collection of epic Indian love stories.

     Such was the tale of one of my friends too(actually several of my friends lately), who chivalrously gave up his true love because he didn't want his lover to choose between her parents and him. He said, "When the choice is between your parents and your lover, it's an obvious choice isn't it?"

"Your parents!" he said.

"Your lover!" I said simultaneously!

     Apparently not an obvious choice. After a brief awkward silence, as the rules of any combat proclaim, both sides have to present their sides. 

     "Parents provide for us, they love us our whole lives and we have to be responsible children and listen to their wishes.", fortunately this is not what he said, though I am quite sure these reasons weren't mentioned because it was supposed to be understood.

      Instead, he argued his family was accepting enough to have her as their bride, but if a situation had arisen that he had to choose between his family and his love, he would be torn. This he didn't want his lover to go through! Hence, the sacrifice...

     Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I still went ahead with presenting my argument because a debate is a debate! You do not let emotions sway you.

     When it comes to planning or even just daydreaming about our lives, we tend to stick with our pasts. It is the familiar, regardless of the pain and the hardships we might have been through, it is something that is comfortable to us because we already know that journey. Unlike the future, which is wholly unknown. This is why it is sometimes so hard for us to let go of our past pains and attachments and move on. Therefore, we tend to make current decisions based on what we already know - the past.

Picture taken from web

     It is to this past that I shall attach the parents to, since they are the familiar, the known. It conveniently slips our minds that the meaning of parents would drastically change in the future for most of us - parenthood! We are to become mothers and fathers ourselves and make decisions for our children. Who better to go on that journey than with someone you love and adore, someone who understands you and someone who is an equal partner in your life (considering that you have been lucky enough to find such a lover ofcourse!)

     It is this that I went on to explain to my friend. When we let go and sacrifice our lover for the sake of a disagreement at home, we are letting go of our entire future, our children. Besides, they are your parents, they love unconditionally right? They'll accept it eventually if you tell them you did it for your children! So truly, the choice isn't between your parents and your lover, but more about sticking to your comfort zone and taking a leap into the future. I think I saw tears in his eyes.

     We couldn't decide who won the debate really, we both gave commendable performances. As they say, we agreed to disagree.

I don't just write about love and relationships :)

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Gender Discrimination with an Education - Why I make a horrible Indian Wife

     Brilliant music, Brilliant drive and a Brilliant friend to have an engaging chat with. Just a few minutes before this drive home with my friend, he had happened to introduce me to this crush. A very sweet and homely girl, who would obviously make a wonderful Indian wife. We were discussing about his future with this very sweet and homely girl, if they were to start a relationship together.What could possibly be flawed in this setting of two friends having a normal chat?

     A friend of mine always tells me I think in "two layers". I see what most people don't see(maybe choose not to see) or rather I read between the lines. I assume this is not so acceptable by most, but it is this "two layered" thinking that helps me write my blog.
     I could already see her making his family happy with her cooking, and her treatment of the in-laws. She would make a good Indian Wife and a good Indian Bride (The idea of the role of wife that my country holds may not be in agreement with what idea I hold). I could see why my friend likes her, and he seconded that idea too. A perfect match about to happen... Wait! My "two layered" thinking has yet to come to play here.
     In spite of her perfect representation of the bharatiya naari (Indian Woman), that our 'tradition', 'culture' and our 'history' teaches us day-in and day-out, we both noticed and agreed that they had nothing in common at all. Two months of talking and they would run out of engaging conversations for the rest of their happily married life(My friend might be looking for a gun to shoot me right now for writing this blog post. But I'm a risk taker ;P )
     So I inconspicuously asked, "Se might make your family happy, but it is still you who has to spend the rest of your life with her. So shouldn't you marry a girl you would really want to spend that life with?"
     I got an explanation as to why that would be close to impossible from my friend, that I wasn't really surprised at hearing. He went on to say if he were to ever introduce a girl like me, with whom he more in common to his mother and say he wants to marry me, his family would be devastated and in ruins, and his mother would eventually make him choose between me and her (There is a slight level of exaggeration, but you should get the idea that I would not be accepted as an Indian Bride in his Indian Family).
     That was obvious. Let me take the effort of explaining to you why marrying me is such a taboo.

• I do not know how to cook, and I will not put in the extra effort to learn cooking just because all my aunties and mother's friends tell me I need it to please my husband and in-laws with my cooking. They are grown people, they should either feed themselves or hire a cook. I am not going to be their servant.
• I will not give up my education or my career or my dreams according to the family that I marry into, because they believe a woman has to take care of the family while the man and the elders make the big decisions in the house. I have always been and will always be an independent woman who makes her own decisions. 
• I am spiritual, which means I am not religious. So a typical Indian wedding with rituals whose meanings literally nobody knows, is not something I will be a part of.
• I will not change my second name to my husband's second name, or any such changes that will show that I am only a wife and nothing else.
• I will not... I repeat I will not jump into a fire like Sita did to prove how good a wife she was to Lord Rama(A reference to the Indian holy book called the bhagavadgita). If my husband can't trust me, he has some issues!

     Now that I started listing out the reasons, I realise there are so many more that make me a horrible Indian Bride! But, I think I will run the risk of never finding an Indian Husband, if it means I get to be independent, make my own decisions, live my dreams and most of all BE TREATED EQUALLY in spite of my gender.  

     Our gender bias and our concept of roles of the genders is so deeply rooted in our culture and society, that this kind of gender discrimination goes entirely unnoticed. Most people do not even see how wrong and discriminative this practice of defining a perfect Indian Bride is! Good cook, Good looking, Fair, Doesn't have male-friends, Chaste, Good at taking orders, Doesn't drink or smoke, possibly gives a good massage, etc etc etc etc etc... I feel like we Indian women are up for sale. If you do not fit that description, or fight against the existence on such descriptions then you are flawed, you are unmarry-able.

     Education hasn't helped this scenario either. The only difference it has made is that now the Indian Wife is expected to cook, clean, please her husband and her in-laws, and in addition also earn a part of the income. How has the society really changed if independent women will find it so hard to be accepted into an Indian Family as a Bride?

     Being a sweet and homely wife is not something I am undermining. I know how hard and wonderful a job it is to be a wife and a mother. But shouldn't this choice be entirely upto the woman herself, and not anybody else. If a woman like me chooses a different life that our 'tradition' and 'culture' doesn't preach, then do I make a horrible wife?

     If an Indian Family rejects me as a Good Indian Bride only because I wish to be treated equally and with respect, and want to exercise my rights and freedom, then I am happy! In fact I am proud of standing up for this half of humanity. I in turn reject them, reject them all from our society! 

     My friendship with my friend is something I will always cherish. Our shared interests and our brilliant chats. I respect him with all my heart and believe truly in his talent and worth. Hence I wish none of my opinions are taken as personal. But I am an Indian woman fighting for a society that treats women equally and gives us a status and respect we deserve. Long way to go, but the fight has to start somewhere right?

Also Read :

• A Friend No More!
• The Animal Side Of Man

I Am My Own Angel...

    I am a teenager! And like all teenagers are expected to, even I have my sudden mood swings and "attitude problems". I most certainly won't make excuses for it, neither will I expect somebody to understand it. Being around people of all ages, I have the opportunity to observe them (my favourite past-time!) and in my little way to understand. Today I will share my thoughts and experiences of being a teenager! Hope others like me can find a friend in this and parents, teachers and adults can read this and try to understand us. All we need is a little patience!!!

     Throughout our childhood we are made to listen to stories about handsome princes, fairy god mothers and magical wands that always come to our rescue. We wait our whole lives in hopes that there just might be such fantastical things to make all the unwanted elements of our lives go away, but it is when you are a teenager and begin to see real life, that you finally realize there are no such things. Is it so wrong to cope up with such news that breaks our hearts? A little show of anger or a little "attitude problem" is probably just excuses to cover up our disappointment at learning about the truth.

     We will always find people who will love us, people who will care for us, but it is truly rare and painstakingly difficult to find people (or i would like to call them angels) who will go out of their way just to make you smile. Maybe a little optimism, a little hope and a lot of patience just might find you that angel, but until then don’t burden anyone else with that responsibility of being the answer for all your worries.

     We all look at our fathers, our mothers, our teachers or anybody else we look up to, to understand us! Maybe that is why all teenagers scream "You just never understand me". Maybe no one can be that angel, maybe we all have to be our own angels. But then again, they themselves are looking out for such angels. Don't mistake me, I am neither complaining nor blaming adults around the world. But I only hope my immature words might make a small difference in somebody’s life, like how it’s making a difference in mine. We all need to learn to be our own angels!

     Some people are born lucky, born into homes and families. Some are a little less lucky, they need to find these homes and families. But most of us have to build these homes and families ourselves. Work hard throughout our lives to build love, to build hope and to build lives that we can live happily in. I have come to believe that it is during your teenage you begin to learn this truth of life. I recently got a forward message from a friend that was sent as a joke, but I must say it meant a lot more. It went like this "Teenagers are the most misunderstood people. We are treated like little kids but are expected to act like mature adults".

      "My whole life I have lived in pleasant thought,
      As if life's business were a summer mood;
      As if all needful things would come unsought
      To genial faith, still rich in genial good;
      But how can He expect that others should
      Build for him, sow for him, and at his call
      Love him, who for himself will take no heed at all?"

                            ~Resolution and Independence,

                              William Wordsworth