Gender Discrimination with an Education - Why I make a horrible Indian Wife

     Brilliant music, Brilliant drive and a Brilliant friend to have an engaging chat with. Just a few minutes before this drive home with my friend, he had happened to introduce me to this crush. A very sweet and homely girl, who would obviously make a wonderful Indian wife. We were discussing about his future with this very sweet and homely girl, if they were to start a relationship together.What could possibly be flawed in this setting of two friends having a normal chat?

     A friend of mine always tells me I think in "two layers". I see what most people don't see(maybe choose not to see) or rather I read between the lines. I assume this is not so acceptable by most, but it is this "two layered" thinking that helps me write my blog.
     I could already see her making his family happy with her cooking, and her treatment of the in-laws. She would make a good Indian Wife and a good Indian Bride (The idea of the role of wife that my country holds may not be in agreement with what idea I hold). I could see why my friend likes her, and he seconded that idea too. A perfect match about to happen... Wait! My "two layered" thinking has yet to come to play here.
     In spite of her perfect representation of the bharatiya naari (Indian Woman), that our 'tradition', 'culture' and our 'history' teaches us day-in and day-out, we both noticed and agreed that they had nothing in common at all. Two months of talking and they would run out of engaging conversations for the rest of their happily married life(My friend might be looking for a gun to shoot me right now for writing this blog post. But I'm a risk taker ;P )
     So I inconspicuously asked, "Se might make your family happy, but it is still you who has to spend the rest of your life with her. So shouldn't you marry a girl you would really want to spend that life with?"
     I got an explanation as to why that would be close to impossible from my friend, that I wasn't really surprised at hearing. He went on to say if he were to ever introduce a girl like me, with whom he more in common to his mother and say he wants to marry me, his family would be devastated and in ruins, and his mother would eventually make him choose between me and her (There is a slight level of exaggeration, but you should get the idea that I would not be accepted as an Indian Bride in his Indian Family).
     That was obvious. Let me take the effort of explaining to you why marrying me is such a taboo.

• I do not know how to cook, and I will not put in the extra effort to learn cooking just because all my aunties and mother's friends tell me I need it to please my husband and in-laws with my cooking. They are grown people, they should either feed themselves or hire a cook. I am not going to be their servant.
• I will not give up my education or my career or my dreams according to the family that I marry into, because they believe a woman has to take care of the family while the man and the elders make the big decisions in the house. I have always been and will always be an independent woman who makes her own decisions. 
• I am spiritual, which means I am not religious. So a typical Indian wedding with rituals whose meanings literally nobody knows, is not something I will be a part of.
• I will not change my second name to my husband's second name, or any such changes that will show that I am only a wife and nothing else.
• I will not... I repeat I will not jump into a fire like Sita did to prove how good a wife she was to Lord Rama(A reference to the Indian holy book called the bhagavadgita). If my husband can't trust me, he has some issues!

     Now that I started listing out the reasons, I realise there are so many more that make me a horrible Indian Bride! But, I think I will run the risk of never finding an Indian Husband, if it means I get to be independent, make my own decisions, live my dreams and most of all BE TREATED EQUALLY in spite of my gender.  

     Our gender bias and our concept of roles of the genders is so deeply rooted in our culture and society, that this kind of gender discrimination goes entirely unnoticed. Most people do not even see how wrong and discriminative this practice of defining a perfect Indian Bride is! Good cook, Good looking, Fair, Doesn't have male-friends, Chaste, Good at taking orders, Doesn't drink or smoke, possibly gives a good massage, etc etc etc etc etc... I feel like we Indian women are up for sale. If you do not fit that description, or fight against the existence on such descriptions then you are flawed, you are unmarry-able.

     Education hasn't helped this scenario either. The only difference it has made is that now the Indian Wife is expected to cook, clean, please her husband and her in-laws, and in addition also earn a part of the income. How has the society really changed if independent women will find it so hard to be accepted into an Indian Family as a Bride?

     Being a sweet and homely wife is not something I am undermining. I know how hard and wonderful a job it is to be a wife and a mother. But shouldn't this choice be entirely upto the woman herself, and not anybody else. If a woman like me chooses a different life that our 'tradition' and 'culture' doesn't preach, then do I make a horrible wife?

     If an Indian Family rejects me as a Good Indian Bride only because I wish to be treated equally and with respect, and want to exercise my rights and freedom, then I am happy! In fact I am proud of standing up for this half of humanity. I in turn reject them, reject them all from our society! 

     My friendship with my friend is something I will always cherish. Our shared interests and our brilliant chats. I respect him with all my heart and believe truly in his talent and worth. Hence I wish none of my opinions are taken as personal. But I am an Indian woman fighting for a society that treats women equally and gives us a status and respect we deserve. Long way to go, but the fight has to start somewhere right?

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If Your Man is Abusing You, SEEK HELP!

     It is with great pain that I am writing today's post. Especially since I know the thing that is causing me so much pain, is occurring even as I type this post out. It is WOMEN ABUSE!
     I recently learnt that a friend of mine who we thought was in a happy relationship with her cute boyfriend(I remember finding him really cute and sweet), has been facing physical abuse at his hands. She has been feeling the pain and wounds from a man who misuses his arms and legs, to cause wounds on her body! No man...NO MAN has the right to even think of harming a woman. No matter how cute, how loving or how rich.
    The worst part was when I narrated this story to a few more women, hoping they would see how wrong this incident was and how this man DESERVED TO BE IN JAIL, I was astonished to hear a few women tell me their own experiences! The frequency of women(or young girls in relationships) abuse is far more severe and common than I had ever imagined.
    These women continue to either face the abuse or a few brave ones who get out, continue to feel mental agony, whereas these criminals walk around free and relentlessly abusing more and more and more of our world's women. Why do more and more of our generation's men treat women like we do not matter at all? Why is this attitude still prevailing in the 21st century? Let me tel you why.... Because we are doing NOTHING about it. NOTHING!!!
    WOMEN! Please listen... we are STRONG! We have the ability to lead the life we dream of, and we DO NOT NEED A MAN to make any of our dreams come true. Please Please Please believe in yourself! If any man, no matter how much "love" you think there is, if he hits you, LEAVE! Leave immediately! You HAVE the strength to stand and stop this pain that is being caused to you.
    Remember it is NOT YOUR FAULT. There is NO REASON for any man to beat you. If he even slaps you, it means YOU HAVE TO LEAVE! Do not try to see any mistakes on your side. If there are problems, then the only solution is to sit down and talk about it. Physically beating IS NOT A SOLUTION. So do not ever think he is allowed to hit you.
    Most importantly, not all men are such criminals. I promise to you, that when you use your courage to      get out of such an abusive relationship, you WILL find men who treat us women with respect. I promise to you that there are real men who know our value and treat us as equals, because WE ARE EQUALS. There are real men who will understand you and let you live your dreams. The man who beats you today is NOT the only man on the planet. He is the man who deserves to be away from our society.
    You deserve respect! You deserve love! You deserve to live a life of freedom and peace! No one should stop you from it! No one! If he truly loves you and respects you, then he will never beat you!
     If you feel alone and feel like you need to talk to someone PLEASE MAIL ME! I promise to help you as much as my abilities allow me. Mail me anytime and I promise I will reply to you, be your friend and help you. Share your stories and your emotions! Anything at all! I am always here for you.... Please mail me if you need a friend to help you through this abuse.
                                     MY E-MAIL ID : spoo.friend@gmail.com
    Its easy to remember(I admit a little cheesy), and I created it only to receive your mails, so please please please write to me! If you are afraid to reveal your name, its okay! If you just want someone to listen, then I am here to listen...
    If you are not a direct victim of abuse, but know someone who is helpless, then ACT! You have the resources to help that woman or a girl, then help change her life. No matter how helpless the situation may seem, there is always a solution! ALWAYS!... You can write to me too, and I promise to help you find that solution. Never see a woman facing abuse and ignore it as if it is not your business. It is! It is all our business, because at the end of the day we all belong to the same community and live as one humanity.
     One small voice of help can help change a life. The woman might not have the strength to walk away from abuse or might not even realise that that abuse is unjust, but if you realise it then you HAVE TO ACT. I had a father who physically beat my mother in front of my eyes. Never until today have I spoken about it. But, silence is not going to help anyone. Hiding the truth will only mean more suffering and more violence. SPEAK UP! I was a small girl and didn't know what to do! But today I realise how even one single voice could have helped us... But none did...
     So please don't let the women of our society be abused. And women do not let a man abuse you!

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How Can I Be Proud Of Being An Indian Woman?

     A few days ago I turned 20. I presume I can now safely say I am a woman and not a girl anymore, and have lived a life long enough to form opinions and be considered as an adult(To my mother I am still a 13 year old kid!). Today I write not as Spoorthi, a college going girl who is always so cheerful and loves Dogs, but I write as a Woman...an Indian Woman.
     I wasn't born in a typical Indian family, but it was rather just me and my mom my whole life. So, I have lived a life where I have seen how strong and independent a woman can truly be, in all circumstances that life and society can throw at us. Today, I too can proudly say I am a strong woman!
    I walk with my shoulders straight and head held high. I voice my opinions in a country where almost everything has gone wrong; starting from the government to the social set-up of caste and religion. I truly believe that no dream is too far away to be achieved regardless of your gender, caste or colour.
     Yet, today I write this feeling pain, disappointment and distress, and am standing on the cliff where I am only a few centimeters away from giving up on this nation. I love my country, and I always will, but will I ever be truly happy in this society?
     From the moment I open my eyes in the morning every force around me wants to show me my place! My place as a woman! I am stared at by the men on the streets for the body I walk in. I am unheard in a debate in a group of men. I am told I need to marry a man to take care of me.
     I pick a guitar, I am told to pick a spatula instead to learn cooking. I try to ride a bike, but no man is ready to sit behind me since it is embarrassing for a man who would let a woman take control of a bike. I want to make decisions for my group, but I don't see a single ear hearing me.
     Why is it so rare in this nation to see a woman making decisions and taking control of situations, and  a bunch of men listen to her and truly respect her decisions without prejudice? Why is so rare to see an unmarried woman successful in her life, being appreciated and held as an example of strength, and not forced to find herself a groom? Why is to so impossible to be a woman and even feel safe in this country?
     Will I really be happy in a nation where everything in my life is decided by the gender I belong to? The clothes I wear, the people I spend time with, the education I get, the lifestyle I want to lead, even the time I have to get back home is decided on my gender! My worth, my value, my talent, my respect and my place in the society is careful measured based on my gender! How can I be happy and proud of being an Indian, when it truly hurts to know this inevitable fact of this society?
     I am writing this under the risk of sounding like a whining woman, who is desperate to seem victimized. But no matter how I am looked at for writing this, the truth will never change. Women have always been and will always be objectified, disrespected and will never be treated as equals!
     We are used for the maintenance of a household and used for the sexual gratification of men(The recent rape cases, and this nation's inability to stop it still is the biggest and the most shameful evidence). Our dreams are crushed and replaced by dreams already planned by the society.
     This is a democratic nation. But, a democratic nation for men! Freedom? Liberty? Equality? How can I ever taste? How can I ever be proud to be an Indian Woman?

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Only Because She Was A Woman!

     When it comes to music, I must say I am lucky to always be surrounded by friends who are musically oriented and motivated(Though somehow, most of them seem to be of the male breed). Last evening was an evening with one such group of friends, practicing and creating tunes and rhythms,with guitars, bass, drums and voices.
     There came a moment in the practice session when we had to refer to Youtube for one of the guys to check the guitar cover of a rock song. One of my friends sat himself in front of the computer screen and typed in the search for the guitar cover(All those who may be musically- retarded, a cover is when an artist reproduces the original song, but is not the original artist).
     The first video suggested by Youtube was that of a girl with her electric guitar. Since I wasn't the one playing the guitar I wasn't paying much attention to this quest, until I hear my friend's comment and the giggles that followed from the rest of my group!
     "You guys wanna check out a chick playing the song" *Read the phrase with utter sarcasm and cynicism in his voice*. Then all I hear after that gender-biased comment is all my friends giggling! No one protested against that remark!
     Maybe the fact that I was the only girl present, made me the only one to yell out against it. But being a man is no excuse to underestimate the talent of a girl, is it?
     Being the rebel that I am, I had to say something. My comment went something like this, "Hey! Don't underestimate anyone based on their gender. Girls can play the guitar too!"
     Though I heard further protests from the guys saying they didn't judge based on the fact that she was a women, they still chose to watch a video by a guy!
     I further put forth my point saying, "She has got the most views on Youtube, so obviously she is good".
     To my utter dismay, my well-educated and open-minded friends commented "She got the views because she is a woman! That is how it works in Youtube".
     The rebel in me couldn't sit quite while this group of men, who will later become the future of this country and become accountable for this nation's fate, undermined the abilities of an entire population of women, and that too only for the fact that they are women!
     What seems like a common interaction of men in this nation on a daily-basis, is in fact the very reason as to why women aren't given the credit, opportunity and the life that they deserve! I live in a nation where it is completely normal that I am judged as incapable of anything worthwhile ONLY BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN!
     They all assumed that the girl wouldn't play well without even listening to her play. Worst of all, they all truly believed that the views that she had earned were purely because SHE WAS A WOMAN! The people in this country believe that when a woman earns any recognition or credibility,  it is purely because of her appeal of BEING A WOMAN, and that it has nothing to do with the fact that she may actually be good at what she does, and worked hard to get to where she is!
     Having a debate would make no sense, so once they were done listening to the guy play, I had to go back and play the video where the woman is seen playing the song. Any guesses of how she played?
     If you guessed she was horrible, then you are exactly like those who judge based on gender! Because she played really well. Even my men-friends had to finally agree that she was better than the male counter-part, and hence actually deserved the high views that she earned for her skills, and not just for the fact that SHE WAS A WOMAN.
     Its time we look at people for what they truly are capable of, which means looking beyond their gender too!

Also Read :

• Stop Screaming!
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CHOOSE TO LIVE!

     Its been a couple of hours into the day predicted by the Mayans as the End of The World. I don't really feel a tremor, or hear a meteor crashing anywhere close by or feel a flood coming in. Inspite of all the drama about the end, I as a true optimist have all along believed that the world will not 'end' today, and as the dreaded day has arrived, I still choose to lazily sit in front of my computer and ignore the 'warnings' of the end.
     As I sit browsing interesting artists to listen to, I wonder why we all are afraid of the end. Since the day the word 'death' enters our vocabulary, we all know that it is inevitable, don't we? Nobody in the history has ever been to skip that part where we leave the earth and go to another life(or anything else that you may believe in, happens after death). Not even geniuses like Socrates and Einstein could. I highly doubt it is going to happen anytime soon. Yet, we do not accept death as a milestone in our lives, just as we accept our graduation, our wedding or even our divorce. 
     Maybe it is that we value life so much that we do not wish for it to end. We all wish to wake up everyday and smell the flowers while the warmth of the sun’s rays make our cheeks glow… As if!

     How many of us really do stop and smell the flowers, or look up at the sun and appreciate the fact that without that ball of flame high up in the sky we all would cease to exist? How many of us, since the day we heard the ‘doomsday’ was arriving, did anything to make the rest of our living days meaningful and worthwhile.

    We heard the news, gasped in disbelief and went right back to living as the same old sheep following the herd, didn't we? Most of just sat counting down to this very day, instead of adding unforgettable moments and smiles to our days that slipped away.

     Maybe if we all had managed to make those remaining days meaningful and worthwhile, and truly lived it to the fullest, we would not be so afraid to face the end. Maybe if we realized what our hearts and our souls truly wish for, and worked towards it, rather than setting goals that the society has already set for us, we would probably have been closer to being happy.

     If the world doesn't end today (which I really think it won’t!), let’s all take this as a second chance at life. From this day on let’s choose to take life as a second chance to make it right. Let's choose to spend our days the way it’s meant to be. Let’s choose to listen to our hearts and our souls instead of the people around us. Let’s choose to live our lives!

    Or choose to wait until the next prediction of 'Doomsday'...




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STOP SCREAMING!

I am a girl who loves watching horror movies. The most gruesome, bloody and horrific movies are some of my favourite movies to watch. Yet I am not the kind of girl that is frightened easily. You may find me with tears rolling down my cheeks for an entire day or eyebrows all wrinkled up in rage for silly things, but you will hardly find me screaming because I was scared. Or so I thought!

            There is a first time for everything I suppose. That is probably the whole point of growing up, where you learn new things not only about the mystical world around you with its bounty of hidden secrets, but also about the hidden wonders about yourself that evolve along with you as the years pass by. The same happened to me last week.                                                

            I am the kind of person who can manage to get sound sleep even in the middle of an earthquake (the fact that I don’t scare easily might be an attributive factor here). I don’t even wake up when there is a loud noise nearby, when I am asleep. This night was certainly different. I wasn’t even having a nightmare, but I suddenly woke up only to find weird shadows moving on my window screens as if the shadows were trying to tackle the light that was trying to get into my room.

            Just then I saw something moving behind the screen, and before my brain could grasp the situation, I was screaming so loud and running into my mother’s room! At that moment all I could think of was that a man was trying to get into my room and I needed to get away (How he was trying to get in through the thick metal grills I didn’t think). I managed to scare my mother out of her wits (I sure get a laugh out of it now)

            On investigating (which my mother did all by herself while I hid under her blanket) she came to the conclusion that it was our usual cat thief who had had a stomach-full meal from our kitchen and was trying to escape from my bedroom window. All is well!

            But as a person who asks too many questions and thinks more than normal, this was an incident that needed much more thinking than the fact that a cat managed to pull a classic prank on me.

            When I was faced with an uncertain entity trying to get into my room, I would expect my head would think it to be a ghost or some sort of paranormal entity (Yes I recently watched the movie paranormal entity. The realism with which they have made the movie must have had some affect on me I expected), considering the fact that I watch so many horror movies. But instead my head thought it to be a man of flesh and blood trying to harm me!

            This is a little disturbing to think that a girl would consider a real man a greater threat than the unexplained!

            That night when I screamt and ran out of the room, I was not just a girl scared of a man, but I was every girl who has a fear of being attacked by a man. That night I felt what every woman and girl feels as a vulnerable and ignored half of the society. Every woman understands at least once in her lifetime, what it means to be helpless and have no power, like how I felt when I thought a man was getting into my room that night.

            I am happy to announce that I do get sound sleep now and the cat has stopped pranking me, at least for now. But I wonder how many screams of little girls and women all around the world are going unheard this very second. When will we stop screaming?

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DREAM TO BE FREE

NOTE: The idea for this article was given by a dear friend of mine, Arpit Singh. He is also the author of the short poem quoted in the beginning of the article.

"chal uth, uth jaag

aur jagade sabsoye sapne,

chal jaag , aur bhaag

mitake sab raston ke kaante

kar galtiyan , kar chah se

kha thokrein, har rah pe

kar himmat, na maan haar kabhi

tu ccheen , tu noch

kar le jo karna hai muthi me

na fikar kar

tu azaad hai!

iss band muthi ko khol de

jo chahe voh tu bol de

chal ab jaag, aurbhaag

aur jagade sabsoye sapne,

tu rukna nahi

TU AZAAD HAI!"

                                                         -Arpit Singh

 I wake up every morning with a dream. A dream to show the world who I am, to open up my soul to everyone, to stand up and tell the truth. Every morning I wake up with the zeal to listen to my heart and to be who I am. But as the rays of the sun falls on me, as the glares of the people falls on me and the air they breathe falls on me, I lose my voice. My head bends down in the fear of losing. I know if I stand up for what I believe, I stand up alone. I know if I raise my voice, I will have a million voices juxtaposing it. And I know if I break away, a thousand chains pull me back. I think too much, I worry too much and I lose even before I really lose!

I am afraid no one will understand me. I am afraid they will say I am crazy. Then I ask myself  who are they to judge me? My conscience softly answers, they are the world! They rule this place I call home. They make the boundaries that I cannot cross. It is a war I shall never win, or is it?

When I feel all hope is lost, I see another soul caged in this place called society, suffocating for free air just like me. He screams out in his dreams only to an audience of empty space. He writes down his thoughts only to read it himself. He talks about his passions but only to the mirror. I know it because I go through the same unending ordeal every single day. I see the fire to break free, in his burning eyes. It fuels my own desire to fly away, soar like an eagle above all.

He talks of big things. He says the day the Berlin wall fell, the day Abraham Lincoln abolished slavery, the day our country won independence, were days that man won the war against those suppressing his very soul. He says they faced society and fought in spite of all the pitfalls along the way. He says we may lose many battles but if we listen to the heart we will win the war. I listen to his words and my desire to fight burns brighter than ever. I want to stand up and say “this is who I am, this is what I believe and I am happy”.

I dream of the days of triumph. I play the scenes of my free life in my head over and over again. Do not be misconstrued! I do not wish to be free to do whatever I want, but I wish to be free to decide what is right and what is wrong. I long for the day when I am my own self without having to worry breaking the rules this world set for me. I want my wings to open and lead me to where I belong…

The day is finally here. The day we face the world and tell them they cannot hold us inside their unseen boundaries anymore. I stand up and open my mouth. My heart burns like dry leaves on the peak of summer. I cannot hold my soul in anymore. But just then I feel a cold breeze chill my skin. I look around and I am alone… all alone!

He has left me all by myself. Standing alone I lose my voice again. Responsibilities, consequences, duty, wealth, family, career… he sacrifices his freedom for the same society that suffocates him everyday. I see him choke for the free air that he gave up. The flame in his eyes is slowly fading away as he gives in to this society and allows them to bind him tighter and tighter to their rules. I look in despair. I know I lost this battle but I shall never lose hope. I have lost, only to come back stronger. There will be a day when I wake up with my dream and it will come true. The day I break all boundaries around me and fly above all.

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