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Sep 18, 2014

The Big Elephant in My Room - My parents' seperation

     It's been a long time since I've written(I certainly regret my lethargy) and now that I've decided to finally get back on track, what better way to start than to talk about the one thing in my life that I rarely talk about with people.
     A few of you might know that my parents are separated and it's been just my mother, my dog(now no more alive) and I the whole time. I sometimes tell people the truth when asked, according to whether they can handle it or not, rest of the times I just say he works overseas. A lot of you might be appalled as to why I lie, but it is not for me but for the well-being of the listener. Contrary to the beliefs held by many educated citizens of our great nation, divorce and single-parenthood are still a taboo and a big No-No.
    Hence I am going to do the best thing possible with this taboo today - talk about it! I will try my best to answer all kinds of questions that enter into your head when you think of DIVORCE and especially the CHILD of the pitiful marriage.
    My parents separated nearly a decade ago. I am in my early twenties now, which means I was already quite old enough to understand pretty much everything that was happening in my life. Did it affect me and damage me for the rest of my life? Well... I'm sure it affected me, but don't we all live through struggles in life that affect us, bad breakups, failing at exams, broken bones from an accident or a death of a loved one. They are all a part and parcel of life, and the best thing we can do is survive them. I survived it and I'm doing fine today, so I guess damaged for the rest of my life is not true eh?
    To be honest, the way I saw my parents' marriage, it wasn't happy for them after a while. They began with love, but love fades sometimes like everything in life (Buddha said nothing in this universe is permanent). They should have parted before the ugly side of fading love began to show. For all those open mouths and rolling eyes, I know this might sound crrrrrrrrrrazy, but that is what I believe. Nothing really is permanent, and the sooner we accept this truth, the closer we are to finding the one thing we all truly crave for, Peace.
    One of the biggest reasons marriages are stopped from seeing its end are the KIDS! What will happen to them? We should stay for their happiness? We should do this for them! Well... I am a kid of such a marriage, and for all those going through this phase in life, honestly this is the worst thing for the kids in the marriage. A forced marriage entails a lot of cold shoulders, hatred, fights, and most of the times domestic violence at home. We don't need this. The foremost thing for a child is to be brought up in a healthy , non-violent environment and if that means sitting down with your partner to decide the terms of separation then do it! If it means going to couples counselling than try that too! But don't just stay idle, waiting for things to change.
    A common question that curious little minds have asked me is my opinion on marriage and whether I see a husband for myself, despite my parents' broken ties. I suppose they expect I'd carry the hate from the previous generation, but it's not for me to carry is it? I have been given the power to make the choices of my life and it is upto me to make it the way I want it to be. On that note, will I marry? No :) But it's not because I don't believe in love, but it is because I don't think I need a big wedding ceremony or an announcement to the world or any other drama of that sort for me to share my life with someone. I strongly believe in the power of love and am infact in love with someone very special in my life, who also doesn't think he needs a certificate to prove his love for me.
    I realise I've said a lot of things that might result in a lot of hate in the comments section, but you know what it's fine. I've lived through every word I've written here and more, I've lived it and I wouldn't change a single thing from my life if I had the chance. It made me who I am today, it made me value love, it made me value myself, what else can I ask for.
    My parent's are separated, but by their choice. The only hope for humanity is to work for a society where freedom and love are the most important epithets and not force and hate. I am proud of my mother for taking this decision and setting herself free and wish a lot of women and men get the courage to take that step to set themselves free and find love for themselves.

P.S: Thanks a lot for listening to what I had to say :) Listening to each other helps a lot trust me. Sharing another article that is very close to what I am talking about.

Also, don't forget to also read :


  1. Well said, Spoo Rthi.

    Divorce shouldn't be a taboo. Anything that increases people's happiness without reducing someone else's should be welcomed. Divorce is merely the symptom of many things that either went wrong or just didn't work out as expected.

    I think we can have a bigger discussion on what love is and why it fades with time. Evolution hasn't wired us humans for love, but for lust - in the hope of healthy offsprings. But I guess this may not be the best place for that discussion.

    But here is something I want to add: Whenever two businessmen enter into an agreement, the first thing they decide is the mechanism for dispute resolution. It's a shame that we don't apply this reasonable principle in our relationships. Not many people discuss fundamental issues - such as who will work and who'll manage the house, who wants kids and how many - before marriage. And most importantly, how will they handle disagreements. These simple practices will make the separation avoidable in many cases, and amicable when it does happen.

  2. Proud of you Spoorthi. Best wishes.
    Jayashree Jagannatha

  3. it did feel as if I was going into my past, as if somewhere in a corner, I sitting with my legs pulled up to my chest am watching everything all over again. Its this society that make things from bad to worse, going through a separationwithout being booh boohed seems totally alien espcly in India. A bunch of 'em with a supportive family are lucky enough to untangle themselves from its wrath. I remember my aunt saying this which of course was no taunt but humor- love's tuned pulav ..

  4. It takes alot of courage to write abt what you went through when you were young..kudos to you spoorthi u hav done it!.....i have read a couple of articles in ur blog...all r good!

  5. AnonymousMay 09, 2015

    Well stated young lady! Catharsis is always good ..... getting the devil out of your system. But I just wish you had a little more to say about your mother .... being a woman and a single parent and coping with with all of life's taunts and still doing enough to nurture a spirited, sensitive young lady like you calls for great skills and a lot of great sacrifice. She needed more mention, she should b acknowledged. Just my point of view.

  6. Can I contact u. Please.

  7. You write well. Read some of your other blogs also.

    Life throws up many challenges and each one of us manoeuvres individually depending upon our perceptions and skills gathered thru our life's journey. In a way it's our conditioning which makes us react the way we do.

    Each marriage or divorce has it's own uniqueness. Every marriage or for that matter any relationship will have ups and downs. How best to go about with minimum damage to all concern should a relationship sour is very important for the partners to think about.

    It's very heartening to know that you've come out almost unscathed after your parents separation, it somehow reflects well on how your parents handled you and your well-being when going thru their personal hell of separating. However there could be other kids not so fortunate to have understanding parents, and where the parents make the children suffer alongwith suffering themselves. By suffer I mean long drawn custody battles, the child separated forcefully from one parent, children becoming pawns etc. For all such kids life was never easy and maybe never will be.